(pur.soo) pur-sue: verb:
1. Follow (someone or something) in order to catch or attack them.
2. (Of a person or way) continue to proceed along (a path or route).
Do you remember memorizing little jingles to help you pass your English test? For example; Q: what is a verb?
A: “Verrrrrrrbs are action words!”
Remember? …..It just recently clued into me that pursuing someone and/or something is not a fleeting thought, or a hearts desire, it is an ACTION. It is work! There is a heart response, a thought, and then…. The act of physically (and mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I suppose) acting in a way that reflects our heart and our mind.
Sound easy? Sound great? It is. It can be.
Pursuing is hard work! As I learned this weekend. Let me start with an easy one. Booze.
Why do I pursue such a thing? Well, there is a place deep, deep in my heart that longs to be caught. To be followed. To be understood. Seriously, the list goes on to infinity:
2. Provided for
5. Sought after
6. To be truly known
7. To catch attention for my efforts
As you see. It goes on and on, and on. I know I’m not the only person who desires these things. I may be the only person bold enough to express it, but I’m positive, deep in my heart, I’m not alone.
So. Drink why? Because for some ridiculous reason, I believe that alcohol is in pursue of me! (Can you believe that?!?!?! …ya right!) That drink will fix all those places in me that are currently void.
Ladies and Gentleman…. (This may be the only time I publicly announce this, but…)
I AM WRONG!
For 8 hours today I drove my husband and I back from Vernon, BC. Hubby through out his back so I was driving so he could relax. Not long into our trip a conversation ensued that ended up with me feeling quite a bit un-pursued. I felt, disrespected, misunderstood, alone, unloved and unheard. After 5 hours of driving with us both ignoring each other, expecting the other to pursue… We’re home. Going to bed. Angry.
So I’m sitting here, without my man, thinking of everything I was mad about! Why was I so mad? Because my heart desired these things to be met, and this man of mine just wasn’t doing it right! “Your doing it wrong!!” I say in my head. “Grrrrrr” *cranks up music *
Long story short. He can’t,and won’t ever, fully fulfil those deep, deep places of my heart. And it’s actually selfish of me to think he can. My hearts desires can be met, for a time, but never fully fulfilled. And so I wondered… Who can do this? Who is great enough? Who loves me enough? Who has the power and energy to work as hard for my heart as I truly and deeply desire? …? …? God.
My point? I can never expect an earthly human being to fill my every void, I have to find it in me, or something bigger and greater than I. It’s actually wrong of me to put those expectations on anyone. What normal person can take on every weight of my insecurities? Not one. We are earthly creatures. We are fucking complicated. We are broken. We are weird. We are loved. We are understood. We are accepted, respected and heard. We are protected, provided for. We…I, already have everything my heart has ever desired, and I always have! It is in me. With me. Emmanuel.
#recovery #selflove #god