Aren’t we though? I’ve recently been noticing this a lot. This realization is always what brings me back to the same place, to know and firmly believe that God is real. He really created the entire world. That happened. Who else could create such complex beings?
So this blog post I’m going to fill you in on where I’ve been lately and what complicated, beautiful, chaos has been stirring in my heart and in my mind. I’m sure your all wondering if I have drank as of late? And yes, I sure did. I had a little breakdown on Friday. I actually learned a lot as a result of it, and so today is another fresh and new day five. Yes.. 5 my friends :). Yay! Let’s dig into into my mind and my most recent projects…

Why am I writing this blog? Because I’ve been walking down with path for over ten years now alone, and so one day I decided to give myself permission to write about this, to explore this in a mindful way. I’ve been inspired to dive deeper into understanding my need to drink. I giving myself permission to remove all the rules and borders and really explore this. I’m treating my journey as a science experiment.

Relaxing? We have all been conditioned to believe that alcohol is relaxing, but is it really? What if drinking is actually the boring part? I have realized that it is. When I drink it’s the same thing all the time, and I have no memories of it. Putting my body through mental, emotional, and physical stress is far from relaxing. And on a side note, stress hinders pregnancy.

I’ve been researching The studies of Dr. John Sarno, particularly about his connection between your unconscious mind and repressed emotions and your conscious mind.  I feel like there is something in there for me and so I go deeper. I have a conscious desire to drink less and then these unconscious feelings about alcohol. They contradict one another.

I believe that I don’t want to drink BUT I also have a deep rooted beliefe that alcohol is relaxing……

If I really explore this, perhaps I can get a better understanding of why I drink when I don’t want too. This is the biggest thing that I just don’t get. I am a strong, confident, good woman. So why can’t I keep this commitment? I can keep a commitment to clean my house, or meet for coffee, or get to class on time, but I can’t commit to not drink more than 1 glass of wine?  So WHAT IS HAPPENING? Enter Cognitive Dissonance.

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time; performs an action that is contradictory to one beliefs, ideas, or values; or is confronted with new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas or values. The theory is that cognitive dissonance focuses on how humans strive for internal consistency. An individual who experiences inconsistency, or dissonance, tends to become psychologically uncomfortable, and is motivated to try to reduce this dissonance – as well as actively avoid situations and information likely to increase it. This theory is founded on the assumption that individuals seek consistency between their expectations and reality. Because of this people engage in a process to bring their cognitions and actions in line with one another.  This process is called dissonance reduction, the fulfillment of this process allows for a lessening of psychological tension and distress.

The theory says that there are four methods of reduction: 1) change behavior or cognition – “I will not drink any more alcohol”. 2) justify behavior or cognition by changing the conflicting cognition – “I’m allowed to cheat every once in a while”. 3) justify behavior or cognition by adding new cognitions – “I’ll not drink tomorrow to accommodate for drinking today”. 4) ignore or deny any information that conflicts existing beliefs (“alcohol is not bad for you in any way”.

Okay… So I have tried #1 many times before to no avail. With regards to #3 and 4, I cant justify, moderate or ignore in my situation. That leaves us with #2. So what if I can change my conflicting cognition ?  I can change the belief that drinking is relaxing by proving to myself that it is not. What if alcohol wasn’t such a taboo thing for me? If I didn’t so strongly believe it was the sum of all my problems. It’s like the big red button that someone says not to touch, I wanna fucking touch it!!!!

So I’m doing a science experiment. With the help and supervision of my trusted loved ones I am going to drink. Not sneakily, not by lying, deceiving or isolating. Not with the mindset that I used to have. I’m going to re-wire my mind. Some of my readers might find this ridiculous but those who know me and my journey will stand by knowing that I have tried absolutely everything under the sun. I am better than this. I am Bigger than this. I can be in control and I’m ready to move forward, that means trying absolutely ANYTHING.

Stay tuned folks!!
#god #recovery #mentalhealth

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